The bible is an OLD book written by OLD cunts - for boring OLD fuckers. It has no pictures, swearing, carnage, satanism or pornography; which in my mind are the 5 crucial ingredients for any good read.
For this reason the "Book of Fools" has been written and colourfully updated; the newly released "Bibble" has caused some rage where "DISCERNED" members of the existing congregation are concerned, however - all over the UK actions have been taken to counteract this sway of "old school bible bashing brain washed bastards"; 1,000 tonnes of holy water has been contaminated with AJAX, KETAMINE, ANTHRAX, DEVILSPUNK and E-COLI. - Over the next couple of days we should see a major decline in living priests and vicars due to the blood in their veins drying out, making their eyes bleed before popping out of their skulls and even instantaneous cardiac arrest.
With their positions becoming vacant we will be able to plant drug addicted, sex crazed freaks and geeks as priests, vicars, cardinals and other religious crustaceans all over the UK; who can then start dealing drugs during church service (where we will praise the Afghans & Rastas for their skills in preparing THC based confectionary).
Drug taking will be made mandatory - people who don't bring drugs to church will be classed as "Skanks" and "Free Loaders" - these will be given any shit gear we have laying around the place to get them addicted - after addiction they shall be made into sex slaves for church ministers.
Sex will be encouraged during mass, "Hand Jobs", "Rimming", "8-balling", "Spit-Roasting", "Voyeurism", "Total-Leather Embalming", "Scat Baptisms" and
The Church will be enlisting applications for the following positions in next weeks "Church Goers Weekly", where doleys are invited to get work. Last week a reformed x-gang member crack head became Womanchesters first "Candidate for Madness" and this week we are looking for "Resident Puritans" - who will be employed to purify the pure; in effect a double cancellation - where one right wipes out another right - making a wrong.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Drugs and Enlightenment
It has been decided by the Pope that ALL drugs should be lethalised and made legal - but only for holy people who possess a fascination with self absorption and euphoric nonsense.
The Lethalisation process will consist of melding radio-active elements with common everyday THC to intensify the experience of being stoned and to elevate the notion of spiritual ascension.
"Praying to Jesus whilst tripping on acid is the in-thing at the moment" a representative for "The Church of Latter Day Twats" at an illegal rave held in Bumchester, on the outskirts of Semeningham. "For years we have been tripping our bollocks off, focusing our minds of the fabled "Bibble" (a modern day translation of the "Bible".
The "Bibble" teaches us that in order to be at one with God we must be a) stoned as Jim Morrison b) as mentally imbalanced as Syd Barrett and c) as bent as George Michael.
"People nowadays are still generally just as susceptible to the readings of God as they were when all the fuckers were getting slain in the Christian Crusades, but when metal heads, pill popping Psy-trancers and other religious sectors come into the equation we would have a bloodbath of disagreement all over again - so for this reason every new church members will receive free "Deicide" albums and "Metal Hammer" subscriptions" concluded the boring prick wearing a gown with pupils more dilated than Jimi Hendrix.
At this point our interview ended as a massive fight broke out, killing our cameraman, murdering all the God loving, E dealing preachers - I was lucky to escape. - Maybe it was my destiny to not be killed so I can share this bollock-laden hypothetical pig shit, but in all sincerity I very much fucking well doubt that.
The Lethalisation process will consist of melding radio-active elements with common everyday THC to intensify the experience of being stoned and to elevate the notion of spiritual ascension.
"Praying to Jesus whilst tripping on acid is the in-thing at the moment" a representative for "The Church of Latter Day Twats" at an illegal rave held in Bumchester, on the outskirts of Semeningham. "For years we have been tripping our bollocks off, focusing our minds of the fabled "Bibble" (a modern day translation of the "Bible".
The "Bibble" teaches us that in order to be at one with God we must be a) stoned as Jim Morrison b) as mentally imbalanced as Syd Barrett and c) as bent as George Michael.
"People nowadays are still generally just as susceptible to the readings of God as they were when all the fuckers were getting slain in the Christian Crusades, but when metal heads, pill popping Psy-trancers and other religious sectors come into the equation we would have a bloodbath of disagreement all over again - so for this reason every new church members will receive free "Deicide" albums and "Metal Hammer" subscriptions" concluded the boring prick wearing a gown with pupils more dilated than Jimi Hendrix.
At this point our interview ended as a massive fight broke out, killing our cameraman, murdering all the God loving, E dealing preachers - I was lucky to escape. - Maybe it was my destiny to not be killed so I can share this bollock-laden hypothetical pig shit, but in all sincerity I very much fucking well doubt that.
Friday, 14 May 2010
Eat it, Shear it - but don't fuck it....!
This week 3 more vicars have been crucified by the media. Father Fallacious, Brother Bollocksout and Cardinal Cumminface were all condemned for having sex with sheep during a week long, farm yard based orgy. Other charges include being “Pilled up”, “Being Pissed as Cunts”, “using offensive language” and “Wearing stupid clothing that made them appear to be cross dressers”
The confounded vicars all said they had been misperceived and that any follower of Jesus was a bonus, even if the follower had 4 legs and knew FUCK ALL about language – or praying or churches.
“We believe God is everywhere, in every species – apart from Sheep and Cows – therefore it is our job as vicars to “Shoot the Words” of our Lord right up the furry bottoms of these dumb fucking creatures.”
One of the imprisoned vicars retorted as he was violently kicked in the head by a toe-tector wearing Slayer fan. The Slayer fan battered the fuck out of cardinal Cumminface after the Cardinal had tried to get the metal head to attend Sunday service by means of persuading him with allowing the contents of his roundtables to be distributed at jet speed into the back of his throat.
The slayer fan got the only orgasmic rush he needed from his metal and didn’t fancy his todger being sucked by some old cunt in a gown (who had probably had more cocks that I have had spliffs..>!
Any true metal head knows that attending a church is the BIGGEST SIN going, and with this in mind the retalitatory tactics dished out was within parameters of the law.
...More to follow – just as soon as next tea break arrives.
THE VICARAGE NEWS - 14th May 2010
Construction Upgrades
We been doing some retro-fitting down at the Vicarage lately; which basically means we have been looking for old things to stick up our arses. Old Brother SoorButt has the record number of simultaneous rectal insertions and it is looking likely he will be winning this year’s trophy for the “Slackest Arse Award” – his winning was caused by the insertion of 4 wooden table legs, 2 forks, 8 marbles, a mini-version New Testament, 2 candles, half a cucumber and two Granny Smith’s apples.
Unfortunately the poor bastard was unable to take a dump and has since died and been stuffed with preservation fluids (which is spunk mixed with Bostik and a few drops of Vanilla essence). His body will be coated in varnish and knob-sweat (i.e. under nut-sack juice) in an attempt to preserve him long enough to be the retentive vicarage fuck-whore (formerly known as Jesus Christ).
Necro-priestiacs
Previous attempts to cryogenically suspend the livelihood of priests have failed miserably. Priest and vicars as young as 19 years old are frozen solid so they may be able to live well into the future. Ailments such as cocks snapping off and brains oozing pus prior to final freezing have caused some concerns; but none to worry your pretty little heads about. – You do not need to worry as Jesus Christ is paid to do that.
Robbery
More and more graves are being dug up so we are able to pay for the upkeep of the vicarage along with our £1,000 a month, out of control drug addiction habits. If anyone knows where any wealth people are buried please let one of the vicars know so we can then dig the fuckers up at midnight, have our wicked way with them – do a bit of munting then steal anything worth a Bob or two. - Also if you have any living, close to death friends or relatives you want disposing off give us a bell and for £300 we will massacre and murder basically anyone (with an extra £50 payable if you want you can have a memento [such as a tooth, bollock or nipple]).
This weeks competition - WIN A PET PRIEST
Through the latest robotic innovations, AI (artificial intelligence) and a handful of sex-crazed Japanese software programming we have invented the world first 100% devoted Priest. This wonderful invention will have your cock sucked dry quicker than you can say “A-men”, other features include “Dish Breaking”, “Prayer Recitals”, “Window Cleaning, “Steeple Analysis and Repair Functions” – it can even programmed to mutilate Satanists and other forces who oppose the great Lord Jessus “Goddam, Bollock Sucking, Whore Fucking, Cunt Christ.
WATCH OUT NEXT WEEK – WE ARE GIVING AWAY FREE PRAYERS FOR EVERY SUBSCRIBER – SUBSCRIPTION COSTS THE EARTH AND ANY NON-SUBSCRIBERS WILL PERISH IN THE FIRES OF HELL
Friday, 7 May 2010
ALL IS QUIET AT THE VICARAGE (THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM)
The Daily Male
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Headlines:-
VICARAGE ATTENDANCE IS ON THE INCREASE
REPENTANCE IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES 5% UP
Mixed Sacks
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This week we have had a mixed bag of events. We have had an unusually large influx of ordinary people wanting to join our Vicarage. In the last 5 minutes alone I have enrolled 2 new Trainee Vicars; I doubt they will live beyond tomorrow morning as unbeknown to them I plan to crucify them tonight in their sleep before slicing their bodies up to be stored in my underground meat vault - along with half the population of the town.
I do not like committing such crimes, but these people came to me for repentance - as they had sinned - these re-offenders piss me right off - Each week they confess, then the week after they are back confessing to the same sin - they had may as well save me some energy and only bother repenting once a year, instead of once a fucking week.
One woman begged for my forgiveness as she hadn't done the washing up all week - I suggested she bend over and hoist the back of her skirt up if she wanted to be forgiven. - Five minutes later I was satisfied and so was she, the poor lass could hardly walk after I had given her minge a fucking good knob-thrashing. - Each week this happens, which is good for me :)
Although when an elderly man came up to me and confessed to watching pornographic movies on Television X naturally I had to make an example of him. First I cut his head off, then peeled his face like a banana - after which I doused the old cunt in petrol and set alight to him. Toasted a couple of gelatin free marshmallows on the wretched old willy puller - I won't be getting hassle from that cunt next mass.
New Choirboys wanted
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No Previous Cum Drinking Experience necessary - as full training will be given.
If you have ever fancied being a portable semen carried for church goers then consider applying for the above position. Bonuses are available for Deep Throating and Group Ejaculations. This is an excellent opportunity to get closer to God (albeit in seed form).
Previous entries are welcome to reapply, but are reminded to wear plastic bibs over their interview clothes to collect any spilt "filthy white love piss".
New Piano Player Needed Urgently
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We are looking for an obese, tone deaf, mentally unsound nymphomaniac to join our church to play the piano and participate in orgies of group sex and other deprived acts of sodomy, spitters considered as well as swallowers - gurglers need not apply.
Trainee Nuns Desperately Wanted for solo sex / photographing / gangbangs / anything rude
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In a world predominantly ran by men we are looking for some females to even up the numbers, only sex crazed, bi-virgins need apply. NOTE : This position will involve being the Vicarage bike - day in day out - interviewees will be anally tested for retention - so please bring a clean flannel (unless you want an arse full of JIZM).
May God not be with you.
Rest in Pieces.
If you seek purity - drink ethanol.
Relax at the next Sinday Service with some God-Loving music :-
Brother 'Quick Wank' Bastardson
7th May 2010
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