Eat it, Shear it - but don't fuck it....!

This week 3 more vicars have been crucified by the media. Father Fallacious, Brother Bollocksout and Cardinal Cumminface were all condemned for having sex with sheep during a week long, farm yard based orgy. Other charges include being “Pilled up”, “Being Pissed as Cunts”, “using offensive language” and “Wearing stupid clothing that made them appear to be cross dressers”

The confounded vicars all said they had been misperceived and that any follower of Jesus was a bonus, even if the follower had 4 legs and knew FUCK ALL about language – or praying or churches.

“We believe God is everywhere, in every species – apart from Sheep and Cows – therefore it is our job as vicars to “Shoot the Words” of our Lord right up the furry bottoms of these dumb fucking creatures.”

One of the imprisoned vicars retorted as he was violently kicked in the head by a toe-tector wearing Slayer fan. The Slayer fan battered the fuck out of cardinal Cumminface after the Cardinal had tried to get the metal head to attend Sunday service by means of persuading him with allowing the contents of his roundtables to be distributed at jet speed into the back of his throat.

The slayer fan got the only orgasmic rush he needed from his metal and didn’t fancy his todger being sucked by some old cunt in a gown (who had probably had more cocks that I have had spliffs..>!

Any true metal head knows that attending a church is the BIGGEST SIN going, and with this in mind the retalitatory tactics dished out was within parameters of the law.

...More to follow – just as soon as next tea break arrives.

THE VICARAGE NEWS - 14th May 2010

Construction Upgrades

We been doing some retro-fitting down at the Vicarage lately; which basically means we have been looking for old things to stick up our arses. Old Brother SoorButt has the record number of simultaneous rectal insertions and it is looking likely he will be winning this year’s trophy for the “Slackest Arse Award” – his winning was caused by the insertion of 4 wooden table legs, 2 forks, 8 marbles, a mini-version New Testament, 2 candles, half a cucumber and two Granny Smith’s apples.

Unfortunately the poor bastard was unable to take a dump and has since died and been stuffed with preservation fluids (which is spunk mixed with Bostik and a few drops of Vanilla essence). His body will be coated in varnish and knob-sweat (i.e. under nut-sack juice) in an attempt to preserve him long enough to be the retentive vicarage fuck-whore (formerly known as Jesus Christ).

Necro-priestiacs

Previous attempts to cryogenically suspend the livelihood of priests have failed miserably. Priest and vicars as young as 19 years old are frozen solid so they may be able to live well into the future. Ailments such as cocks snapping off and brains oozing pus prior to final freezing have caused some concerns; but none to worry your pretty little heads about. – You do not need to worry as Jesus Christ is paid to do that.

Robbery

More and more graves are being dug up so we are able to pay for the upkeep of the vicarage along with our £1,000 a month, out of control drug addiction habits. If anyone knows where any wealth people are buried please let one of the vicars know so we can then dig the fuckers up at midnight, have our wicked way with them – do a bit of munting then steal anything worth a Bob or two. - Also if you have any living, close to death friends or relatives you want disposing off give us a bell and for £300 we will massacre and murder basically anyone (with an extra £50 payable if you want you can have a memento [such as a tooth, bollock or nipple]).

This weeks competition - WIN A PET PRIEST

Through the latest robotic innovations, AI (artificial intelligence) and a handful of sex-crazed Japanese software programming we have invented the world first 100% devoted Priest. This wonderful invention will have your cock sucked dry quicker than you can say “A-men”, other features include “Dish Breaking”, “Prayer Recitals”, “Window Cleaning, “Steeple Analysis and Repair Functions” – it can even programmed to mutilate Satanists and other forces who oppose the great Lord Jessus “Goddam, Bollock Sucking, Whore Fucking, Cunt Christ.

WATCH OUT NEXT WEEK – WE ARE GIVING AWAY FREE PRAYERS FOR EVERY SUBSCRIBER – SUBSCRIPTION COSTS THE EARTH AND ANY NON-SUBSCRIBERS WILL PERISH IN THE FIRES OF HELL