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Headlines:-
VICARAGE ATTENDANCE IS ON THE INCREASE
REPENTANCE IS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES 5% UP
Mixed Sacks
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This week we have had a mixed bag of events. We have had an unusually large influx of ordinary people wanting to join our Vicarage. In the last 5 minutes alone I have enrolled 2 new Trainee Vicars; I doubt they will live beyond tomorrow morning as unbeknown to them I plan to crucify them tonight in their sleep before slicing their bodies up to be stored in my underground meat vault - along with half the population of the town.
I do not like committing such crimes, but these people came to me for repentance - as they had sinned - these re-offenders piss me right off - Each week they confess, then the week after they are back confessing to the same sin - they had may as well save me some energy and only bother repenting once a year, instead of once a fucking week.
One woman begged for my forgiveness as she hadn't done the washing up all week - I suggested she bend over and hoist the back of her skirt up if she wanted to be forgiven. - Five minutes later I was satisfied and so was she, the poor lass could hardly walk after I had given her minge a fucking good knob-thrashing. - Each week this happens, which is good for me :)
Although when an elderly man came up to me and confessed to watching pornographic movies on Television X naturally I had to make an example of him. First I cut his head off, then peeled his face like a banana - after which I doused the old cunt in petrol and set alight to him. Toasted a couple of gelatin free marshmallows on the wretched old willy puller - I won't be getting hassle from that cunt next mass.
New Choirboys wanted
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No Previous Cum Drinking Experience necessary - as full training will be given.
If you have ever fancied being a portable semen carried for church goers then consider applying for the above position. Bonuses are available for Deep Throating and Group Ejaculations. This is an excellent opportunity to get closer to God (albeit in seed form).
Previous entries are welcome to reapply, but are reminded to wear plastic bibs over their interview clothes to collect any spilt "filthy white love piss".
New Piano Player Needed Urgently
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We are looking for an obese, tone deaf, mentally unsound nymphomaniac to join our church to play the piano and participate in orgies of group sex and other deprived acts of sodomy, spitters considered as well as swallowers - gurglers need not apply.
Trainee Nuns Desperately Wanted for solo sex / photographing / gangbangs / anything rude
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In a world predominantly ran by men we are looking for some females to even up the numbers, only sex crazed, bi-virgins need apply. NOTE : This position will involve being the Vicarage bike - day in day out - interviewees will be anally tested for retention - so please bring a clean flannel (unless you want an arse full of JIZM).
May God not be with you.
Rest in Pieces.
If you seek purity - drink ethanol.
Relax at the next Sinday Service with some God-Loving music :-
Brother 'Quick Wank' Bastardson
7th May 2010
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