The bible is an OLD book written by OLD cunts - for boring OLD fuckers. It has no pictures, swearing, carnage, satanism or pornography; which in my mind are the 5 crucial ingredients for any good read.
For this reason the "Book of Fools" has been written and colourfully updated; the newly released "Bibble" has caused some rage where "DISCERNED" members of the existing congregation are concerned, however - all over the UK actions have been taken to counteract this sway of "old school bible bashing brain washed bastards"; 1,000 tonnes of holy water has been contaminated with AJAX, KETAMINE, ANTHRAX, DEVILSPUNK and E-COLI. - Over the next couple of days we should see a major decline in living priests and vicars due to the blood in their veins drying out, making their eyes bleed before popping out of their skulls and even instantaneous cardiac arrest.
With their positions becoming vacant we will be able to plant drug addicted, sex crazed freaks and geeks as priests, vicars, cardinals and other religious crustaceans all over the UK; who can then start dealing drugs during church service (where we will praise the Afghans & Rastas for their skills in preparing THC based confectionary).
Drug taking will be made mandatory - people who don't bring drugs to church will be classed as "Skanks" and "Free Loaders" - these will be given any shit gear we have laying around the place to get them addicted - after addiction they shall be made into sex slaves for church ministers.
Sex will be encouraged during mass, "Hand Jobs", "Rimming", "8-balling", "Spit-Roasting", "Voyeurism", "Total-Leather Embalming", "Scat Baptisms" and
The Church will be enlisting applications for the following positions in next weeks "Church Goers Weekly", where doleys are invited to get work. Last week a reformed x-gang member crack head became Womanchesters first "Candidate for Madness" and this week we are looking for "Resident Puritans" - who will be employed to purify the pure; in effect a double cancellation - where one right wipes out another right - making a wrong.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Drugs and Enlightenment
It has been decided by the Pope that ALL drugs should be lethalised and made legal - but only for holy people who possess a fascination with self absorption and euphoric nonsense.
The Lethalisation process will consist of melding radio-active elements with common everyday THC to intensify the experience of being stoned and to elevate the notion of spiritual ascension.
"Praying to Jesus whilst tripping on acid is the in-thing at the moment" a representative for "The Church of Latter Day Twats" at an illegal rave held in Bumchester, on the outskirts of Semeningham. "For years we have been tripping our bollocks off, focusing our minds of the fabled "Bibble" (a modern day translation of the "Bible".
The "Bibble" teaches us that in order to be at one with God we must be a) stoned as Jim Morrison b) as mentally imbalanced as Syd Barrett and c) as bent as George Michael.
"People nowadays are still generally just as susceptible to the readings of God as they were when all the fuckers were getting slain in the Christian Crusades, but when metal heads, pill popping Psy-trancers and other religious sectors come into the equation we would have a bloodbath of disagreement all over again - so for this reason every new church members will receive free "Deicide" albums and "Metal Hammer" subscriptions" concluded the boring prick wearing a gown with pupils more dilated than Jimi Hendrix.
At this point our interview ended as a massive fight broke out, killing our cameraman, murdering all the God loving, E dealing preachers - I was lucky to escape. - Maybe it was my destiny to not be killed so I can share this bollock-laden hypothetical pig shit, but in all sincerity I very much fucking well doubt that.
The Lethalisation process will consist of melding radio-active elements with common everyday THC to intensify the experience of being stoned and to elevate the notion of spiritual ascension.
"Praying to Jesus whilst tripping on acid is the in-thing at the moment" a representative for "The Church of Latter Day Twats" at an illegal rave held in Bumchester, on the outskirts of Semeningham. "For years we have been tripping our bollocks off, focusing our minds of the fabled "Bibble" (a modern day translation of the "Bible".
The "Bibble" teaches us that in order to be at one with God we must be a) stoned as Jim Morrison b) as mentally imbalanced as Syd Barrett and c) as bent as George Michael.
"People nowadays are still generally just as susceptible to the readings of God as they were when all the fuckers were getting slain in the Christian Crusades, but when metal heads, pill popping Psy-trancers and other religious sectors come into the equation we would have a bloodbath of disagreement all over again - so for this reason every new church members will receive free "Deicide" albums and "Metal Hammer" subscriptions" concluded the boring prick wearing a gown with pupils more dilated than Jimi Hendrix.
At this point our interview ended as a massive fight broke out, killing our cameraman, murdering all the God loving, E dealing preachers - I was lucky to escape. - Maybe it was my destiny to not be killed so I can share this bollock-laden hypothetical pig shit, but in all sincerity I very much fucking well doubt that.
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