Christian leaders today confirmed civil war. Mass armies of 'bible throwers' & 'cross chuckers' are expected to unleash torrents of burning bibles through windows of churches and shop windows (with any luck).
Last night saw a surge in the PPP forces (Pissed Priest Protestors) outside Asdi, Tesgogh & Saintburys in Great Yarmouth; their numbers are expected to rise considerably as public awareness of this incident take hold among society. Shoppers are advised to stay away from any PPP zones as enrolment figures are low and 'Baptism with water pistol techniques' are converting otherwise Atheists, amongst others, into 'Apostle Adoring Arseholes'.
Thousands of bibles littered the checkout areas of Asda due to being thrown through windows of a 24 hour Asda that was open on Sunday. PPP banners displayed offensive slogans such as "Working Sunday Condemns your soul to HELL", "Sundays are for WANKING - not WORKING", "God will not forgive you for working Sundays - and neither will I you CUNTS."
Our 2nd set (1st set were converted) of reporters sent us live video feeds of part-time workers being levitated into balls of ceiling height fire zones, trolley supervisors being chased with trolleys (weird sight that...!) and slices of hacked up meat in the poultry section being given life back - making them move by appearing as if being electrocuted (fucked up being chased by sausages with Boa Constrictor tendencies or slippery 'tripping up tripe'.
As I speak now at least a dozen people are undergoing a strange metamorphosis; it is like they are being woven into a single creature. Fuck this I'm outta here......!!!
The military are on the way now - OOH - in fact they are here now.
Costing in excess of 5 million smackeroonies we posed the question to the Military as to why such excessive force was necessary. In short a well decorated man told me in short to have 'a splutter in the corner' - or in other words he told me to 'far cough'. Being Newscasters from Luton we were inclinded to batter this General's medallions into his thick, shrapnel filled skull; but his mates were packing oozies, tanks, etc so we all got on a bus to Round Green went home, watched the footage and got stoned...!
This is Alfred Von Wolfenstein for Channel 666 - signing off, now we bring you the new Steven Seagal film 'Signs of Praise' in which this bloated brawler smacks around hundreds of aikido trained vicars and chop suey expert martial artists who spend their entire days headbutting studded, iron clad bibles in an attempt to absort the spiritual essence contained within in the bible, not just its tiresome words. - Trouble is the bibles were traced back to a batch load sold from Jarrolds; so they contain as much spirituality as a tramps piss stained pants; this pisses Seagal off and he rampages through bookshops meticulously comprimising any potential 'spiritualess' people. Samuel L. Jocksout plays Jesus Christ in a cut scene, where he is 'bonging away' on a crack pipe; until the crack pipe ends up being crammed into his cranium; great effects........... so stay tuned....!
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